Resurrection

Hello again,
It has been almost three years since I have last blogged about anything.  Those three years have been hard years.  Years of change.  Years of being nomads.  Years of going deep into my heart with my Father to understand both myself better and in the process, his heart better.  
I have read the quote 'If you want to know the mind of God, you have to use your own'.  There is truth there.  But I would prefer to say 'If you want to know the heart of God, you have to know your own'.  And so this is what I have been doing.
The challenge is that it takes time and it takes being willing to walk into confusion and pain and chaos.  But the rewards are so worth it.  Healing of old wounds.  Understanding of my own heart as to why I get hung up in certain areas, why I am the way that I am, the brokenness of my own sinfulness and the sinfulness of the world but also the glory which God has created in me because he has stamped HIS image in me.  I say 'in' and not 'on' because his image permeates to the very core of my soul.  I am a mixture of the dignity which he bestows as his creation but also now as his child but also the depravity which continues to war.  
During those three years, I really had no idea what I could have to say that could have been of any good to anyone.  Not that this was true.  It just FELT true.  And so I have extinguished my voice in so many ways.  But even if only one person once is encouraged or strengthened by something I have learned and been willing to share, it is worth the time and effort.
So I'm back.  I really don't know how frequently I will be posting.  But I choose to believe that God can redeem and use whatever I say to his glory, even my brokenness and struggle.
I am thinking of starting a blog with a different name so stay tuned.  
So I"ll see you soon!!

I'm Back

Hello!
Well, it has been a long time since I have last posted anything.  I periodically go through a 'schlump' when I think "who am I to think that I have anything that anyone wants to hear?"  And so I stop writing.
I think my blogging tends to be like my journaling - sparse and then heavy on content.  So I will try to be more consistent and concise and not so consistently 'heavy'.
This past summer we spent two months in Ohio with my family.  It was good. It was hard.  It was boring.  It was busy.  A little bit of everything.  I feel it was especially boring for David since he really doesn't have any friends in Ohio that he is still in contact with and so he just hung out with us.  But, it is what it is and so we do what we can.
We were then in Pasadena, California.  I was excited about living in So. Cal. again.  Then I had a bit more trepidation.  I'm definitely not used to the traffic or the noise. I guess I'm a little spoiled in that way from living in Wooster, OH and Camarma de Esteruelas, Spain.
The semester went well for David.  It was a quieter time for us all, not as much for Sam.  We have a great time with the kids over Christmas, though having 7-8 people with different ideas as to what
they'd like to do, sharing a 2 bedroom home for 3 weeks did have it's challenges.
Steve proposed to Olivia on the 23rd so that was fun, though our one son arrived with a fever and the flu and then our other college aged son came down with it the next day.  They were healthy enough by the 'engagement day' to participate in the fun.  Thankfully, no one else got sick!!
They returned to Trinity on the 11th and then we went into packing and sorting mode.  And saying good bye mode.  We flew out about 2 weeks later on the 26th, arriving the 27th in the evening here in Spain.
We are now involved in getting David caught up with what he missed (it takes a while) and looking for housing.  I confess that I struggle with patience and trust in this.  The criteria we have for the place we'd like to live are:
1. close enough to the train station for anyone going into Madrid on the train can walk.
2. close enough to the bus route to Camarma so David or whoever can walk to the bus stop to get to the school each day.
3. a home with 4 bedrooms so we can have 1 room for Sam and Jill, 1 room for David, 1 room for Sam's office and 1 guest bedroom.
4. a storage unit so we can store our camping stuff, bikes, etc. - everything we've accumulated over almost 20 years here!!
5. a garden or terrace where we can have our picnic table, fire pit and BBQ so we can have guests and hang out outside.
6.  Within a certain price range
We have found 2 that are close.  One lacks the place to be outside.  The other lacks the extra bedroom for guests.We are leaning towards the smaller one with the possibility of being outside.  We have yet to see it but we're thinking it will fit well.  The only problem is that it is available in May, not now.  The other one is available now.
We are currently living in our old home, in the upstairs part of the house.  It is a small bedroom, our own bath and Sam's big office/storage room where David is currently on a mattress on the floor.  He's OK with that but I hate for him to spend another 2 1/2 months on the mattress.
We are sharing the downstairs with 3 single teachers from the school here.  We try to stay upstairs as much as possible when they are home.  It really is a decent arrangement.  They are gone most of the day so we can do what we need to do downstairs.  I can pack, clean, do laundry without being in their way.  Then we come upstairs and hang out and give them their space once they get home, other than me cooking and us eating in the evening
.
The hard part is that we do not want to bother them or be in their way at all or make them feel awkward.
I guess for me the hardest part is that I want to find our place and get settled and get on with life.  I want to set up my home and decorate and have people over.  I want to get out of the way of the ladies and let them do what they'd like in their own home.
Sometimes when I think about waiting another 2 1/2 months, a part of me rebels.  I KNOW in my head, though, that if the home that God desires us to have is the one where we need to wait, then he will give all of us grace to live together and wait.  I KNOW in my head that he knows exactly where he wants us to live and it will be available when HE wants us to move.  Until then, he wants us where we are.  But my heart has a little more struggle being patient and waiting.  I don't TRUST.  If I truly believe to the depths of my being like I say that I do - that God is in control of and leading in every tiny detail of my life and my 'job' is to listen and step out in faith and trust when I sense He is leading, then waiting will just be another opportunity to wait and trust.  :-)  And I really DO believe this.  It's just easy to fall back into bad habits of seeing the world through my own eyes and interpretation.
If we have to wait another 2 1/2 months, then I will need to figure out what to do during that time because I had originally not planned to get involved in much until we get moved and settled.  So if we're not going to be settled for another 2 1/2 months, then what do I do?
I'm sure a big one would be to help out at the school in ways that they need - in the office, subbing, etc.  Another would be to get together with other ladies and listen and try to be an encouragement.  I can do that no matter where I live.
And so we wait and trust.  It's not a passive waiting but an active one - holding on to what I know to be true when the doubts and impatience come.  Also listening and being quiet.  I realize that's something very hard to do these days with cell phones and Facebook and the internet, etc.  It's so easy to waste time learning things and not being quiet and learning to listen.  And I like to learn things.  :-)  It's a joke in my family.  When anyone has a question we don't know the answer to, my family jokes and says 'now Mom's going to look it up on the internet!!'  I like to learn.  And also the events of the world these days are breaking my heart.  But do I read more about it or do I pray?  If I truly believe that God is totally powerful and he has his plan for this world and that he's not surprised by anything that happens, do I talk to him about it and ask for his power, his wisdom and his eyes to see or do I get discouraged and down because of the evil I see rampant in the world?
Anyway, this is where we are.  I will try not to wait so long to write but many times I wonder if people really need to hear what I have to say.  Do I really need to add my 2 cents to the conversation?  Hugs from here!!
Jill

The Street Where I Live

Hello again all!!
Yes, once again a lot of time has passed since I last wrote!!  I refuse to apologize!!  I realize I do that too much.  I have talked with other women my age and I have also observed that they do that a lot too!!  I wonder if it's the generation we grew up in??!!
Today's musings are actually something that I have been thinking about for quite a while.  I have meant to make it into a blog post but hadn't gotten around to it yet.  So here we go.
I have lived on several different kinds of streets through my life, all with different names.  During my growing up years, I have lived on 2 different country roads with beautiful views.

Then I went to college and I lived on a couple different streets in the small town where the college was in Winona Lake, IN.  I loved to walk down to the lake and enjoy the sunsets (can't say that I saw a whole lot of sunRISES tho!!  This WAS college!!)
Then I lived on a small, somewhat quiet street when I studied in Dijon, France.  I enjoyed the church building across the street.  I enjoyed the sound of the chimes as it struck the hour - except when it would start at 5:45 in the morning!!
I then returned to the USA and set up housekeeping in Winona Lake again, first in a small apartment right beside campus -once again, small town, then in a trailer park out off of the highway, Route 30.
Now, my streets get more interesting!!  I then moved to Torrance, CA and lived in an apartment complex off of a busy street!  Then, before moving to Spain, we lived in a residential neighborhood with an older couple for over 1 1/2 years!!
We have now been in Spain since 1995 and we have lived in 4 different homes:  the first an apartment on a busy intersection on the edge of town, then two home in the same gated community and lastly here, on a small street in our little town.
The names of these streets have varied widely.  In Ohio, they were names of the places the road took you to (Oil City Road) or named after someone who lived out there a long time ago (Heyl).  In Indiana, they were named after places, too, or just nice little names (Wooster Road, King's Highway, Route 30).
In France, the  name was another city in France, rue du Havre.
Living here in Spain, the streets I have lived on have varied too - the first was the Avenue of John Paul ll.  Then we get into the astronomical names of our other neighborhood - I spent 11 years living on Saggitarius Street which was right off of the Milky Way (which in Spanish is literally the lactose way!!)
The one I find most interesting though is the street I live on now.  We live on Calle de la Soledad.  Calle is 'street'.  I knew more or less what 'Soledad' meant but I did look it up after we had moved here to make sure I knew more accurately.  Soledad literally means 'lonliness' or' isolation'.
When I looked that up, I was struck.  I realize that this name expresses very well 'the street where I live'.  It's really the street where we all live.  As much as we don't like to look at it, at the deepest part of our core, we are alone.  There are friends whom we enjoy.  There are people we can connect with and, sometimes, we connect very deeply.  But when it comes to the deepest parts - the parts we don't let others see because we don't think they're acceptable or we don't want to make ourselves vulnerable or we just really don't think anyone will understand, we hide.  It is here, we all stand alone.  Most of the time we stay busy enough we don't notice it.  Or, if we feel this nagging sense of something, we run from it by being busy or reading a book or watching a movie and distracting ourselves.  But it's still there.
And it's true.  There really is NO ONE who truly understand us.  No one who can walk through the depths of everything we deal with internally and externally and truly understand AND accept.
None save ONE.  Yes, Jesus understands.  But sometimes this can seem like just a pat answer.  Something we know is true but it doesn't touch our heart.  My theory is that it doesn't sink to the depths of our hearts because he don't normally look into the depths to see what is there.  We stay on the surface because it hurts less.  We 'numb'.  We stay busy.  We distract.  It's no fun to look into what deeply motivates us - the fears and insecurities and stuff that is none too flattering.  But, as Brene Brown so clearly tells us, if we numb the pain, we also numb the joy.
So I have been dealing with the loneliness of friends coming and going - of living in the middle of a lot of people, yet having no one you feel you could call just because you ARE feeling alone.  And this is not the first time nor will it be the last.  But I realize that I need to not run from this pain but I need to feel it.  I need to understand where it comes from - my fears and insecurities - from living in a broken world I was not created for.  And as I feel this pain, I learn how to lean into Him - the one who knows my pain even more deeply than I do.  Who died to restore my relationship with Him so that I will never have another moment when I really AM truly alone.  Who FELT my pain, too.  Someone who understands to the depths of his core what is going on in the depths of mine - and he loves and accepts no matter what.  He not only walks with me.  He walks DEEPLY with me.  He holds me.  He lets me cry on His shoulder and he just listens.  He sets me on my feet again and tells me how delighted he is in me - not because of anything I have done but because I am HIS.
And so I continue this journey.  Yes, I do walk a lot of it alone.  That's part of what it means to live overseas in a community which is always changing and moving and shifting.  People come and people go.  I can withdraw and pull into myself to not feel the pain of 'losing' friends.  Or I can step forward into the pain but also into the joy of new friends - people who might walk deeply with me - or people I might be able to walk with deeply for their sake while they are here.  But if I choose to run from the pain, I run from the joy too.  And I walk even MORE isolated than I really have to.
Each day, it's my choice.  There are some days, I just don't want to go there.  I choose to walk superficially.  It is my loss, in the end.  There are days, I'm just not sure HOW to walk deeply with anyone.  But as I choose to open my eyes to those around me who are feeling the pain that I too am feeling, we both gain and God is known and glorified!!
Well, enough for now!!  Hugs from here!!
Jill

End of Summer Update

Hello Everyone,
I am back at blogging again - just a catch up for what's been going on over the summer.  And also to test and see if I have figured out how to format these blogs so that they are not all one huge paragraph!!  That's one of the reasons I haven't said much this summer - I wanted to wait until it was in a format that is easier for you all to read!!  And I knew that would probably take time for me to figure out!
So here I am again.  I THINK I've figured out how to do this.  Maybe I'll even add a picture or two!! How techy of me!!
We started off with a busy summer.  First Troyer arrived and then Olivia at the middle and then end of May.  It has been nice to have them here!  It was great to have the four together again!!

Then at the beginning of June we had an intern arrive who was visiting for 3 weeks.  But not just any 'intern'.  Steve Durgin is dating our Olivia now and so we enjoyed the opportunity to get to know him better and for him to see what Liv's life was like growing up in Spain!!  We enjoyed those three weeks with him immensely!!
While Steve was here, we also had a team of 5 come to learn about missions in Madrid.  Four were from So. Cal and the other was from New Jersey.  They were here two weeks and Steve participated in many of their activities and outreaches and meetings too.  For some reason, Olivia wanted to go along too!
Our July was much quieter.  The two camps Troyer was supposed to work at teaching English in July and August fell through at the end of May.  So we made reservations for him to go to our EFCA Family Conference in Slovenia with us, with a stop beforehand in Venice.  Then, at the end of June we found out that they COULD use him so he went for one week.  Every little bit helps when it comes to paying the college bills!!  They were so desperate for English teachers they were willing to take him however long he could go.
July found Troyer at camp for a week and the rest of us hanging out at home and Olivia working on her Honor's project.  Her plans are to Student Teach in Morocco the second semester of this year.  So instead of working on her Honor's Project then, she's getting it done before she leaves - or as much as she can.
Later July found us all flying to Venice for 2 days and then on to Slovenia for our Mission's Family Conference.  As always, it was a highlight for the whole family and it was hard to say good bye again.  Meeting new people, catching up with people you've been friends with for years - such an encouragement.  AND we happened to be right on the coast of the Adriatic Sea!  So beautiful.  But first Venice.
Venice is located on a series of islands on the coast of Italy in a lagoon.  So when we walked out of the doors of the airport, the humidity hit us.  We complain about 100 plus temps in Spain, but it is near 0 humidity!!  So that makes it more bearable.  In Venice, we were dripping and drinking!!  But it IS truly a beautiful and magical place.  And VERY compact.  Few gardens or green spaces that are visible from the streets.  Homes may have gardens back in their inner courtyards, but you don't see them generally.  But the city is truly beautiful and rustic and classic and there is absolutely no motor traffic!!  You walk.  Deliveries are made by men pushing carts over the bridges and down the streets.  All manpower.
Once we returned, we had 2 weeks until Olivia flew back to the States.  She left last Wed and then she and Steve drove to Trinity, arriving Saturday night around 11 pm?  I got a text around that time to say that they had arrived.  It's hard enough to worry as a parent when your children are traveling but when you are SO far away, well, it just makes it a bit harder - at least it seems to me.  If anything were to happen, it would take us at least 2 days if not more to get there to do anything.  But we have not needed to deal with that and so we try not to worry.  Or maybe I should say that I try not to worry.  :-)
Troyer left this morning, Sunday morning. Hard to see him go but I know it will be good for him to get back into classes and seeing friends and working.  Here in Spain, it's hard for them to find a job other than teaching English or babysitting.  Two things Troyer prefers NOT to do.  :-)

In August, Olivia and Troyer did a 'photo shoot' and then Liv went out with Jonathan to do the photo shoot for his Senior pics.  Here in our small town we have what was a train museum.  I believe it is just all ruins now but that's where they went for their pictures.  They got some great shots!!  Olivia has such a great eye for photo composition.

I am heading into a busier time since I am teaching at ECA again this fall.  I will be teaching 6/7 grade Bible, 8th grade Bible and 2 classes of Health for the 9/10th graders and any others who need it for a graduation requirement.  Last week I had new teacher orientation for 2 days and this weeks I have staff meetings for 3 mornings!!  Then school starts next Monday!!
I feel totally unprepared but I know that God can work in and through me in spite of my preparation level.  I try not to worry and try not to stress.  If my heart is walking with Father, He will help and He will have what He wants come out of my mouth.  And so I hold on to this.
Well, I will look for some pictures and try to add them.
I found some!!
Thanks again for listening!!
Jill

"100% Natural"

I wrote this about a month ago and never posted it. Here it is: Hello Dear Friends, I know it has been quite a while since I have written anything. It's not that I haven't been doing anything. I was just busy with other things. As some of you have seen, I have been working on quilts some of the time. I enjoy the ability to create even though I might not be very naturally artistic. It is also an opportunity to show love by giving the final project to someone you desire to touch. Today it is finally a very nice spring-like day. I have had a large rug rolled up on the terrace for almost a week that I have wanted to hose down and scrub but I have been waiting for a day when I not only had the time but also the temperatures to dry it before the evening! Today is just such a day. Last week we moved Jonathan from his bedroom into the room that has been the 'music room' but also my office. But with him leaving his instruments and music - plus other sundry things - all over the place and me with the ironing board in there piled high with my projects along with the cart I have been keeping the sewing machine on and wheeling back and forth to work in the living room when I have time, the room has been a mess and, I must confess, we have been getting on each others' nerves. :-) Sooo, he is now living in the music room (he has been required to allow David in whenever he wants to play his drums or the piano) and I have my own room!! Anyway, as I was washing the rug, of course, I was musing about things that have been on my mind. Yesterday, I was cleaning out my e-mail inbox and catching up on some posts that I have been reading in a blog I follow called Communicating Across Boundaries. I will, hopefully, include a link in this blog - I am still figuring this thing out. Anyway, she grew up as an MK in Pakistan and then lived internationally in Pakistan and India as an adult with her family and husband. She has so much insight about what it means to see the world through God's eyes and what it is to live and grow up and parent internationally. She is so better able than I am to put it into words. I so enjoy what she has to say. I read several of her blogs yesterday and so the thoughts running through my head this morning I will call 'Labels'. Thus the title above. Labels are useful. The FDA has required labels on all our food and clothing and medicines so that we know what we are buying. But labels can be deceptive. The other week, I bought orange juice that said 'no sugar added'. The one I usually buy wasn't available at this store so I thought, 'OK, I'll just get this one'. Later, as I was reading the label, I realized that it DIDN'T have added sugar. But it had artificial sweeteners added. Not something I want to buy. But others say '100% natural' and so people buy them without realizing the amount of sugar that has been added because sugar IS natural. :-) The labels I am thinking of, however, are the labels we put on people. And on ourselves. Most of the time, this is on what we base our identities. I am an American. I am from Ohio. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a wife. I am a Christian - and this one we feel the need to 'clarify'. Our labels are based on our origin, our profession. Our ethnicity. Our past. Our future. Our stand on an issue. Labels aren't necessarily bad. They help us define things. They help us anticipate how something might be if we have had experience with something in this 'category' before. They help us define our identity, our role, so many other things. But too many times we allow our labels to divide us or to make people (as my husband says) two dimensional. It helps us to put ourselves or others in a box and not really pursue the 'whole story'. And that's another thing that's been running through my mind - the idea of our story within the context of the 'bigger story'. Many times we don't even look at our own stories very deeply yet many times it is our story that we allow to define us. 'I was abused'. 'I am adopted'. 'I am handicapped'. 'I am stupid'. Why are we so drawn to when someone tells us a story? Movies, plays, books. We love stories - at least most of us. Stories touch our hearts. Stories bring tears. Stories bring laughter and pain. Stories can bring so much insight into our own stories. Yet when we use labels, we aren't looking at the person's story. We are looking at one facet of who they are and are defining them by it. A friend of ours from Zaragoza, where we lived for 14 years here in Spain, came to visit for about 4 days this past weekend. It was so nice to spend time with him and Sam took him to some of the meetings that he has been involved with. At one of the meetings, he got talking with a young lady who talked a lot about running. When he talked to Sam later, he commented about how she was 'obsessed' with running. He had judged her as being one of those 'shallow' people probably, who are so into physical fitness that she allowed it to fill her life more than her walk with God. But Sam was able to tell him more of the 'story'. Up until Christmas, she has had problems with her legs. She had been unable to run. Or do other things that most of us take for granted. So, now that she is better and is ABLE to run, she is quite excited by it and can come across as 'one of those physical fitness-aholics' - if you don't know more of her story. She was two dimensional to him until Sam could fill him in. Living internationally, I have had to think about this - in what or who do I find my identity? Part of my identity is being American. I can't do anything about it. It is part of what makes me who I am. The experiences I had growing up in the United States. But I have allowed it to define me more than I might like. There are advantages to being American. There are disadvantages. But what percentage of who I am do I base on my American-ness?? I am a missionary. Yes. That is what my vocation is. My heart's desire is to help people. Help people learn of the love of my Father. Help people live better. Help people find healing in the Great Healer. But I don't like to be defined as a missionary. A lot of people put me in a box when they hear where I live. I have cringed inwardly when it finally comes out -"Oh, you're the Missionary". I have tried to avoid it. People define me by this word - especially when I am at churches in the USA. It stereotypes me as 'more godly'. Ugh. I'm me. I struggle and fail just as much as anyone else. I am ME. I am Jill. In Spain, being a missionary can put you on a pedestal too. Or the titles we have. 'I have a DMin'. 'I have a Doctorate'. 'I am trained as a Life Coach'. We put it on our cards. We 'drop' the title when we are with others - and we use them to validate ourselves. But I think the worst labels we put on ourselves and others are the labels we put on other people depending on their theology or how they choose to practice their faith in Father. We allow our sub-divisions to divide us. I have no problem with there being different kinds of churches that express their faith and worship in different ways. My God is so big, he isn't limited to just one culture or one expression of who He is. I may not choose to worship as they do but that is their choice. There ARE theologies and ideas about my Father and what He says that I don't agree with. If you say something that is contrary to what God has told us in His Bible, I will defend that. But will I allow it to 'divide' me from you? Sometimes I think we see other as finished products rather than people in a 'process'. The process of being transformed to be more like Him. We can sharper each other and God can use that in each of our transformations. But if you become 'suspicious' and two dimensional in my mind so that I can dismiss you and what you say because you don't follow my 'party line', then I don't believe that is a characteristic of my Father. He was firm on what he needed to be firm - usually to the 'religious' people who were against him and whose power grid was threatened by his 'out of the box' thinking. But he was compassionate with those who were most broken. That is our Father's heart reflected in Jesus' life and ministry and what the Holy Spirit teaches us as we walk. We were talking with my older son, Troyer, who is in his first year of college in the States. He told us yesterday that - let's see if I get it right - widows, orphans, foreigners and other socially vulnerable people groups are mentioned in the Bible 2350 times!! This is who Jesus came to save - to heal. Those who know they need a doctor! He love the bruised and the broken. The marginalized. The unacceptable. The vulnerable. Because they can't continue to deny their need like the rest of us can who can stuff or hide or avoid or fill our lives with stuff. The Apostle John put a label on himself when he wrote about himself in his Gospel of John. He called himself 'the disciple Jesus loved'. I believe THAT is the title we should all give to ourselves and those around us. Because God does love us all. He has offered his free gift of salvation to all. Not all will receive. But God loves us all. He is against those who are against him, but that is not where he wants us to be. I really want to see myself and others through this lens. The One that Jesus Loves. There is love and mercy and grace and compassion. There is gentleness, kindness, humility and fullness of relationship with Him when we are filled with His love for us and it overflows to a broken and needy world.

Catching Up

Hello All, Well, it has been a while since I last wrote. I must confess that the holidays can often be challenge for me. Usually we are all spending more time together as a family. There are more expectations, whether we realize it or not. Often, our family relationships are not what we would like for them to be and that can cause us to be more sad. This year was better than some but I still struggled with discouragement. Not because of what the holidays stand for, that is for sure. But many times, Christmas and the end of the year and the beginning of another can remind us that we are not what we might like. We didn't succeed in our previous year's resolutions. We look back at the year and, often, we can only see where we didn't live up to our hopes. We can begin the year with big dreams or big goals and we can become depressed when we realize that we did not accomplish them. Most of the time, we don't even realize these dynamics are going on. We react without even realizing what 'button' is being pushed in our hearts or minds. I have lived for years going through the ups and the downs of the holidays without even realizing the dynamics and expectations that are going on - whether they are mine or someone else's. We can also go through the holidays remembering those who used to be an important part of our lives, whether the loss is due to physical death or the death of the relationship or just the fact that one has moved and, unfortunately the saying can be all too true = 'out of sight, out of mind'. And so this Christmas, I found myself diving, once again, into the pit of discouragement. As a culture, we Americans define our worth so much in what we do or accomplish. You'd think that, having spent so many years outside of the American context and mentality, I wouldn't fall prey to that quite as much. But I can. As Missionaries, we can so define ourselves by numbers or our activities. Busyness = success/value. But God is slowly teaching me these past years that this is a lie we have bought into. I have bought into. I am valuable because HE says I am valuable. I am His creation. I could live the rest of my life and do nothing else 'for him' and He still loves me and He still values me. I, as a Missionary, have just as much value as the person who spends their days paralyzed in a bed. It's my faith. It's the fact that I am His daughter that makes Him smile. I bring delight to Him when I look to him and trust. THAT is what this is all about. Not how many verses I have memorized. Not if I can explain a doctrine to someone. But if I trust what He says about me and what He is making me to be and live from that. His love flows through me to others when I accept the fact that He loves me and I can love. I rest. I am not striving to prove I am lovable. I am not striving to prove that He made a good choice when He chose me to be His. For years I had this fear in the back of my mind that motivated me. The fear that I just might not be worth it. The fear that, if people truly saw me for who I am, they would realize that I truly am a loser. God trust freed me from that. I AM worthy, not because of anything I have done but because HE has done it all. It is finished. So, it's so easy during the holidays to listen to that 'voice' that whispers in my ear that I really am NOT lovable. That I really AM a failure and a mess. It is work to recognize that this is NOT the whisper of my Father and Saviour, but the lies of the enemy of my soul. The one who wants to destroy and kill anything or anyone who seeks Father. All of us are in the grip of his lies to some degree. They are things we heard from our parents. They are things our culture tells us. Lies that we heard as children from other kids or those around us. But Father is so good to 'undo' us. To teach us to recognize the lies and hear His TRUTH. And there is peace and joy and rest in this place. But the way to this place is through the path of our 'undoing'. But He walks through that WITH us. We are NOT alone. We are carried. Anyway, I hope you all have recovered from your holidays and have found His peace on the other side - for those who, like me, can become discouraged or even depressed walking through these days. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day - here in Spain too. I hope you all have a special day with your special someone, but also that you will hear the voice of the Lover of your Soul whisper his truth and love to you. Jill

Christmas

Hello All!! I thought I would write about Christmas - both what it is like celebrating in Spain and also what I am thinking about Christmas right now. Christmas was not a really big holiday when we arrived in 1995. They celebrated Three Kings' Day much bigger than Christmas - because that's the day they gave their gifts. Three Kings' Day is the 6th of January. They do it this day because it is supposed to be the day that the 'three kings' made it to the stable. I'll talk more about this later (probably) but I'll leave it for now. They hang lights over the streets - the local governments do. Our first Christmas here in Spain, in Zaragoza, the only Christmas lights we saw hung on a 'home' were the ones in the windows of our friends' apartment who are Americans!! Christmas Eve was the time to spend time with family and eat lots of good food. Seafood is a very typical meal here during these holidays as is turkey. You see lots of seafood in the stores at this time of year - even the Spanish delicacy - baby eels!! The first time I saw them, I thought they were a type of pasta - but was surprised that they were in the seafood section. I realized that they were probably NOT what they appeared to be!! I walked away. :-) We like to keep our particular traditions even thought they might be contrary to or 'out of the box' of what Spaniards think is normal. We put up a fairly 'American' size Christmas tree even thought smaller ones here are the norm. They also don't typically get freshly cut trees. They are much more expensive and don't seem to last through the holidays - especially if the holidays last until the 6th of January!! We Americans like to decorate our homes!! Coordinating dinnerware and table runner, along with centerpieces and garland all over the place is typical. Not so here in Spain. They are typically much more subdued in their Christmas decor. But a MUST in most homes is a 'Belen' which is the Spanish word for Bethlehem. It is their manger scene. They spend BIG bucks on pieces for their own nativity scene. And many times it's not just the stable but the whole village and countryside around Bethlehem. One thing that I learned just this year is that many manger scenes have a piece called 'el cagon' that they hide in the scene somewhere. It can be a shepherd or someone else but they are, excuse me, pooping. Their pants are pulled down and you can see it!! Gross!! I don't get that one!! We don't plan to get one for OUR nativity!! Just about every city or small town has their neighborhood Nativity Scene. They don't have the problem here like they have in the States about removing Christ from Christmas. He has been so effectively removed from their everyday lives that it is irrelevant whether he is in their Christmas. They recognize that Christmas centers around 'Christ'. But here he is a fairy tale - he makes little difference in their day to day lives, so he is therefore not a threat to have him in their Christmas. It is very sad I think I will save my thoughts about Christmas for another post. Blessed Christmas to you all!! Jill