Hmmmm. . .

Have you ever had one of those days, or weeks, or months, when you just feel prickly?? I don't mean your skin itches!! I mean you just feel grumpy and irritable? Well, this has been one of those weeks. I think it's an accumulation of things that are a bit 'under my skin' - like a child who you try to communicate with who is far away and who just doesn't respond. Or trying to address an issue with someone else and not feeling like you were even heard or your point of view considered? Yeah, these things can irritate, but why? I was lying awake in the middle of the night last week - woke up and couldn't get back to sleep - and I was just lying on the floor in the living room trying to stretch out my back (I have problems with my back so I might as well take advantage of being awake to work on it!!). I was thinking about the issue with my child - and trying to communicate about their school bill - and I thought 'why does this tweak me out inside so much that I am awake stewing about it? Because really, some parents this just doesn't bother. It's not that they don't care. They just don't stew and fret. Now, I know some is because some people are just worriers. Some aren't. I know that some of that is their personality. Some is a learned response. So, I'm lying awake trying to figure this out. Part is I feel disrespected. I guess part is because I don't feel seen - or rather I feel ignored (purposefully unseen). I think a big part is that there are a couple things - big and little - that I have been trying to accomplish and the 'pieces' just aren't cooperating. Whether it is losing my superglue so I can't glue all my pairs of reading glasses that need glued, or this with my child. I guess I feel out of control and I can't do anything to 'fix it'. I have another child that just doesn't stress about getting homework in and getting a 0. We have struggled with him for years about this. Now, I can continue to stress and be prickly and nag and let these things stand in the way of my relationships, or I can relax and look inside and deal with what's going on inside. Sigh. I would SO much just glue my glasses, have my child get his homework done in time and pass the class and have the financial issues resolved with the other one. But what if that doesn't happen?? So, back I go to my heart. What's really going on in there?? Can I let go and trust?? Not that I necessarily trust my children or others, but I trust the one who is ULTIMATELY in control of everything?? Oh, but that takes so much time. And effort. And many times, tears and gut wrenching release. But the end result is usually peace. And it's worth it. It just takes the time and the desire to 'go there'. So, I think I'm a little tired of all this 'deep introspection' blogging. Maybe next time I should write about something nonsensical and goofy!! Thanks again for listening and Journeying with me!! Jill

To Be Seen

Hello again all, About a week ago, I wrote about SEEing. Funny thing is, I mentioned Steven Curtis Chapman and someone told me that the book by his wife, Choosing to See, was up at the boys' school library!! So I began to read it and am almost done already! This has been an ok week. Sam is gone to Budapest - he left a week ago Saturday morning and is on the plane back home as we speak. He won't actually make it to the house until about 10 tonight. It's 6:45 right now. A theme that I was struggling with about 2 weeks ago is what led me to blog last week on SEEing. It is 'being seen'. I have learned over the past, oh, 6 years, that shame has to be with being seen. Many times, the shame or embarrassment we feel - whether rightly - because we have done something to deserve it - or even more, wrongly - what we feel that stems from the lies we have believed about our own value or worth. That underlying sense that something is not right - and usually the focus is that something is not essentially right with us. So many times, when I am feeling less than or devalued or shameful, I need to stop and follow the feeling back to what I am believing at that point. What lie have I believed about myself? So, bring this idea into my life right now - or at least a week ago. I am starting this small group called The Journey. There are 5 of us who are meeting via Skype to go through a workbook. It is a workbook. We will be walking through a lot of deep stuff. It will require vulnerability and honesty and looking back through our lives to see where we have been wounded - and walk through those times together and find the healing that God offers. There is a lady in my town here that is doing it with me. I have enjoyed the times that I have spent with her before the meetings. But I could tell that SOMETHING was up inside of me because I was self conscious and nervous when I was around her. Hmm. So one morning while everyone was still in bed, I sat down and started journaling about this and other issues. When I journal, I'm really just writing a letter to God, sharing with him what's going on and how I feel. What I think about things, etc. Well, I realized that I see myself as bumbling. Bumbling in that I trip over things and walk heavily and see myself as 'less than'. Also, bumbling in relationships. I see others as competent and capable and 'together' and I see myself as awkward. I don't know what to say. I sound stupid. I don't have anything valuable to add to the conversation, etc. ad infinitum. It's NOTHING the other person has said or done to make me feel this way. I am the issue!! I realize that, so many times when I have difficulties with someone - or they have difficulties with me, it's not that one or the other has really done anything wrong to the other person. So much is our PERCEPTION!! And this is fueled by how we feel and what we think about ourselves. Most of what fuels these feelings and thoughts about myself are the lies that I believed when I was little. So much comes from our 'family of origin'. Most of the time, our families never meant to hurt us. They wanted to protect us and help us. But we were taught the sinful 'coping strategies' that they were taught by their parents and their parents were taught by THEIR parents. It's that 'sins of the parents being passed on to the third and forth generation'. I am always encouraged that I can at least recognize the problem!! That's one of the things that this group does that I am meeting with. We talk about our past and explore it for themes and lies and ways that we have not allowed God into the problem and allowed his healing and restoration. The bottom line is that I need to believe what God says about me. Not all the lies and distortions that I have picked up along the way. I have been taught that I am a 'sinner saved by grace'. But the focus is on the 'sinner' and how I have to clean myself up to be acceptable. But that's not the issue!! I have been saved. The 'sinner' label doesn't apply anymore!! I am a saint. No, I'm not perfect. I still sin. But God says he is PLEASED with me. He 'delights over me with singing'. He 'quiets me with his love'. I so see the image of a father with his children - holding them, accepting them. Loving them. Not looking disapproving or angry or disappointed. I am his child and, as his child, I hold a special place in his heart and his love. Yes, he wants to transform me and make me like him. But not so that I will be acceptable!! So that he can heal me of all this junk that makes me less than who He has created me to be. So, we need to lift up our heads, not in pride and self-adulation - but knowing who we are in Him. We can be SEEN by those who don't understand, by those who judge, by those who hate, by those who condemn us by our actions and not by our hearts. We can be seen and not be overcome because we have 'entrusted ourselves to the One who judges justly'. I can allow you to SEE me - my warts, my failings, my bumblings, my anger, my hurt, my striving - because I know that HE has already seen me to the depths of who I am - further into my heart than even I have ever seen - and he loves and accepts and smiles. I pray this for you too, my dear friend. Hugs from here!! Jill

See

I was first introduced to this theme of 'see' a few years ago. I had gotten the CD from Sam that Steven Curtis Chapman made after his daughter was killed in an accident at home. . In the pamphlet that goes with the CD, before the lyrics to the song "SEE" is this paragraph: . "This little three letter word took on enormous meaning to my family and me on May 22nd of 2008. The day after Maria went to Heaven, Mary Beth and I went to our house with friends to get some clothes for the next few days. We had decided to stay with our friends, The Andersons, until we felt we could return to our house for good. We walked from room to room feeling like we were lost in some big terrible dream and tried to imagine ever living in the house again that had suddenly become so terribly quiet and empty. As I walked through the dining room, I noticed a piece of paper on Maria's little art table where she and her sister would spend hours coloring and drawing and cutting and gluing. (Maria especially loved the gluing part!) On the piece of paper was a flower that had been drawn and colored with markers. It was one of Maria's signature flowers that she loved to draw, but this one appeared to be unfinished as only one of the 6 petals was colored in with blue marker. . .the others were just outlined. Then I noticed something was written with marker on the back side of the paper. Now let me back up for just a minute and explain one other part of this story. Shortly after Maria had been carried away to Jesus, all of us, and particularly Caleb and I began to talk about how desperate we were just to 'SEE' something. . . a dream or a vision .. anything that would help confirm in some tangible way what we were holding on to by faith, that Maria was truly 'okay' and even more than 'okay' that she really was safe in the arms of Jesus. It was a plea that I heard us all say several times in those first hours. . 'God, please just let us 'SEE' something!' So back to the flower artwork on the table. I turned the page over and was completely stunned to find a word written on the back in Maria's handwriting. To any of our knowledge she knew only 6 words that she could write. . ."I love you", "Mom", "Dad", and her name, "Maria". But there on the back of the paper she had written in all capital letter the word, 'SEE'. Even as one who is usually careful not to attach more meaning to something than it deserves, I was and still am completely convinced that this was a precious 'gift' from the broken heart of our Father in Heaven delivered through our daughter's own hand the very morning before she left us for Heaven. . . I could picture the face of our little girt smiling at us and saying 'SEE' mom and dad. SEE everybody, it's just like you said, only so much better . . .and I really am 'okay'. And it was our Father's way of saying 'SEE' with eternal eyes. SEE that I have your little girl safe and sound with me and SEE by faith My promise of the day that's coming very soon when I will make everything new and wipe every last one of those tears from your eyes'. It wasn't until several days later that we also began to recognize a significance in the 'unfinished' flower that she had drawn on that same paper. Of the petals, only one was colored in with her favorite color, blue. Of our six children, only one has been completely 'colored' and made whole. The rest of us are still waiting for that coming day when finally we will clearly and completely SEE. 1 Cor. 13:12. . Many people probably believe that this was a coincidence and that the Chapman family is reading in to things and grasping at straws. I firmly believe that our Father loves us so much that He purposefully does things like this for us - if we have eyes to 'SEE'. So many times in Scripture, God talks about those who would only have 'eyes to see and ears to hear' that they may - not only be saved, but also might see Him as they walk through this world. So much is dependent on our perspective and - most of the time - we are responsible for our perspective. To a large degree, we choose what we meditate on. We choose whether we will - at least TRY - to see things from God's point of view, our our own. . If we ask and if we try, He helps us to 'SEE' as He sees. Yeah, it takes time. It takes WANTING to see it His way. If I keep trying to 'fit' what I want into what He says, then I am not really wanting to SEE it His way. I guess it takes a lot of humility. Humility is seeing things - myself especially - in a right manner, not thinking too highly of myself but also not thinking too LOWLY. I know that I tend to lean on THIS end. I think it's the 'evangelical' form of pride. I don't mean the 'try harder' thing either. Sometimes I think we try too hard. We get so caught up in the 'trying' that we lose sight even easier of our Father. I believe we need to 'make space' in our lives to SEE and HEAR. If I keep movement, noise and busyness in my life, all day, it is hard to hear what is being 'whispered' in my ear. I won't SEE the things in my day that He puts there because I will be distracted. Anyway, this post has gotten long. In the next post, I will be talking about another facet of 'SEE'. Thanks again for listening!! Jill, your fellow traveler in this journey to our Father's heart!!

Processing

Hello Everyone!! I say Everyone cuz I really have no idea how many and who of you actually read this. :-) Until I actually figured out how to announce it on FaceBook, I was just throwing it out there into cyberspace!! Well, I wanted to write earlier about how the driving school classes went but I really didn't want to once they were done so - I didn't. I think the reason I didn't want to is - actually there are a couple - I was quite discouraged after the first day and didn't really know quite how to feel. I realized that 'Bad Attitude' was swirling around in my head and heart along with lots of knee jerk thoughts and feelings and I needed some time to process it all. The second day went better. The night between the two days of driving, I woke up in the middle of the night and just lay there discouraged; feeling 'less than'. Picking apart the day, my feelings, my attitudes. And of course none of them lived up to what I thought they 'should' be. With my registration, I get 5 hour-long driving classes and, since I live outside of Madrid and it takes me a good hour and 15 minutes to get from my house to the driving school - one way - I didn't want to go in 5 different times!! So we did 2 lessons the first day and 3 the second day. I know that I told you all in past posts that driving school here is taught with the goal of passing the test. It is not with the goal of teaching you to drive well. So. . . my classes were teaching me what the examiner will look for that I need to do differently than what I am used to. After I pass the test, I can drive how I want. I think that's part of why I've had a bad attitude towards driving in Spain. You learn the 'rules' to pass the test and then drive how you want. And most (OK, I need to be fair - a lot of, not most) Spanish drivers don't drive safely. They cut you off. They drive faster than they should. Spanish driving rules leave little to common sense. So there is a rule for just about everything - and exceptions to those rules. Well, this morning I sat down and just started journaling - writing down my thoughts and feelings to God. I realize that this driving school is playing into my struggle with feeling 'less than'. I already suspect or 'know' that I don't measure up. So. . . when the driving school lady is continually watching everything I do and correcting me, it feeds in to my insecurity of not measuring up. Of not 'getting it right'. In the eternal scheme of things, it doesn't matter if I downshift or not when I slow down. It doesn't matter if I turn the steering wheel underhanded with my right hand when I turn left. But it DOES matter if I want to pass this test. So, instead of staying all tied up in knots, I have to look into my heart and understand the dynamics going on there. And I found out a couple this morning. (I have figured out that when I start crying, there is something there that I need to look in to). Well, as I journaled about lots of different things, one thing that came forward is how I avoid things. I avoid uncomfortable situations. I avoid looking too deeply into my heart cuz I don't really want to see what is there. Probably because I'm afraid it will confirm my fears that I truly AM less than what I think I am or want to be. Looking at these things can take a lot of time and sometimes, I just don't want to 'go there'. But I know that God cannot shine His light of truth on the lies I have believed if I am unwilling to take them out into the light and look at them and let Him heal them. I have more to say on this issue to feeling 'less than' but I think I'll end for right now here. I think this blog might get a bit too long if I try to share ALL of it in one post. Thank you again for listening to my ramblings. I hope they aren't too random!! :-) Jill

This is a picture Sam took of me last May at a retreat where I shared a few words.

Driver's Classes

Well, the day has finally come when I can begin my actual driving classes. I have studied and taken the THEORY part of the Spanish Driver's Exam. Now I have to take 5 driving classes in which I will learn all the bad habits I have that may keep me from passing the driving test here. Things like not crossing over the hands when turning. Not turning the steering wheel 'under handed'. I can only have my hand on the OUTSIDE of the steering wheel - not the inside. Ugh. I can't just put it in neutral and brake. I have to DOWNSHIFT. I am very thankful that I know how to driver a manual car. Automatics here have the nickname 'American' cars. Typically, the only people who have automatic cars are Americans or people with some kind of handicap who CAN'T use the gear shift!! So. . . tomorrow I will - hopefully - get 2-3 hours out of the way and then the rest on Friday. I will then wait a week to take the actual driving test since Sam is out of town and he drives me to the train station to go into Madrid. I COULD have taken it here locally but they only teach in Spanish. I would be totally on my own if I want to take it in English. So. . . here I go. I will keep you posted as to how it goes. I have 2 chances to pass or I'll have to pay the fee again. On an average, it costs about $1000 to get your license here. Sam's was more 10 years ago!! I am SO nervous about this part!!! Jill