Catching Up

Hello All, Well, it has been a while since I last wrote. I must confess that the holidays can often be challenge for me. Usually we are all spending more time together as a family. There are more expectations, whether we realize it or not. Often, our family relationships are not what we would like for them to be and that can cause us to be more sad. This year was better than some but I still struggled with discouragement. Not because of what the holidays stand for, that is for sure. But many times, Christmas and the end of the year and the beginning of another can remind us that we are not what we might like. We didn't succeed in our previous year's resolutions. We look back at the year and, often, we can only see where we didn't live up to our hopes. We can begin the year with big dreams or big goals and we can become depressed when we realize that we did not accomplish them. Most of the time, we don't even realize these dynamics are going on. We react without even realizing what 'button' is being pushed in our hearts or minds. I have lived for years going through the ups and the downs of the holidays without even realizing the dynamics and expectations that are going on - whether they are mine or someone else's. We can also go through the holidays remembering those who used to be an important part of our lives, whether the loss is due to physical death or the death of the relationship or just the fact that one has moved and, unfortunately the saying can be all too true = 'out of sight, out of mind'. And so this Christmas, I found myself diving, once again, into the pit of discouragement. As a culture, we Americans define our worth so much in what we do or accomplish. You'd think that, having spent so many years outside of the American context and mentality, I wouldn't fall prey to that quite as much. But I can. As Missionaries, we can so define ourselves by numbers or our activities. Busyness = success/value. But God is slowly teaching me these past years that this is a lie we have bought into. I have bought into. I am valuable because HE says I am valuable. I am His creation. I could live the rest of my life and do nothing else 'for him' and He still loves me and He still values me. I, as a Missionary, have just as much value as the person who spends their days paralyzed in a bed. It's my faith. It's the fact that I am His daughter that makes Him smile. I bring delight to Him when I look to him and trust. THAT is what this is all about. Not how many verses I have memorized. Not if I can explain a doctrine to someone. But if I trust what He says about me and what He is making me to be and live from that. His love flows through me to others when I accept the fact that He loves me and I can love. I rest. I am not striving to prove I am lovable. I am not striving to prove that He made a good choice when He chose me to be His. For years I had this fear in the back of my mind that motivated me. The fear that I just might not be worth it. The fear that, if people truly saw me for who I am, they would realize that I truly am a loser. God trust freed me from that. I AM worthy, not because of anything I have done but because HE has done it all. It is finished. So, it's so easy during the holidays to listen to that 'voice' that whispers in my ear that I really am NOT lovable. That I really AM a failure and a mess. It is work to recognize that this is NOT the whisper of my Father and Saviour, but the lies of the enemy of my soul. The one who wants to destroy and kill anything or anyone who seeks Father. All of us are in the grip of his lies to some degree. They are things we heard from our parents. They are things our culture tells us. Lies that we heard as children from other kids or those around us. But Father is so good to 'undo' us. To teach us to recognize the lies and hear His TRUTH. And there is peace and joy and rest in this place. But the way to this place is through the path of our 'undoing'. But He walks through that WITH us. We are NOT alone. We are carried. Anyway, I hope you all have recovered from your holidays and have found His peace on the other side - for those who, like me, can become discouraged or even depressed walking through these days. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day - here in Spain too. I hope you all have a special day with your special someone, but also that you will hear the voice of the Lover of your Soul whisper his truth and love to you. Jill