Christmas

Hello All!! I thought I would write about Christmas - both what it is like celebrating in Spain and also what I am thinking about Christmas right now. Christmas was not a really big holiday when we arrived in 1995. They celebrated Three Kings' Day much bigger than Christmas - because that's the day they gave their gifts. Three Kings' Day is the 6th of January. They do it this day because it is supposed to be the day that the 'three kings' made it to the stable. I'll talk more about this later (probably) but I'll leave it for now. They hang lights over the streets - the local governments do. Our first Christmas here in Spain, in Zaragoza, the only Christmas lights we saw hung on a 'home' were the ones in the windows of our friends' apartment who are Americans!! Christmas Eve was the time to spend time with family and eat lots of good food. Seafood is a very typical meal here during these holidays as is turkey. You see lots of seafood in the stores at this time of year - even the Spanish delicacy - baby eels!! The first time I saw them, I thought they were a type of pasta - but was surprised that they were in the seafood section. I realized that they were probably NOT what they appeared to be!! I walked away. :-) We like to keep our particular traditions even thought they might be contrary to or 'out of the box' of what Spaniards think is normal. We put up a fairly 'American' size Christmas tree even thought smaller ones here are the norm. They also don't typically get freshly cut trees. They are much more expensive and don't seem to last through the holidays - especially if the holidays last until the 6th of January!! We Americans like to decorate our homes!! Coordinating dinnerware and table runner, along with centerpieces and garland all over the place is typical. Not so here in Spain. They are typically much more subdued in their Christmas decor. But a MUST in most homes is a 'Belen' which is the Spanish word for Bethlehem. It is their manger scene. They spend BIG bucks on pieces for their own nativity scene. And many times it's not just the stable but the whole village and countryside around Bethlehem. One thing that I learned just this year is that many manger scenes have a piece called 'el cagon' that they hide in the scene somewhere. It can be a shepherd or someone else but they are, excuse me, pooping. Their pants are pulled down and you can see it!! Gross!! I don't get that one!! We don't plan to get one for OUR nativity!! Just about every city or small town has their neighborhood Nativity Scene. They don't have the problem here like they have in the States about removing Christ from Christmas. He has been so effectively removed from their everyday lives that it is irrelevant whether he is in their Christmas. They recognize that Christmas centers around 'Christ'. But here he is a fairy tale - he makes little difference in their day to day lives, so he is therefore not a threat to have him in their Christmas. It is very sad I think I will save my thoughts about Christmas for another post. Blessed Christmas to you all!! Jill

Corrections and Clarifications

I believe I need to clarify a few things that I said in my last post that may (and probably did!!) not have come across in a way I meant for them to. I said "Jesus says that the world will know that we are his disciples because of our love. Not our doctrine. Not our theology. Not our amazing worship services. But our love. How much do we even SEE let alone love those HE brings into our lives. This is the hope - that His love transforms us and, through us, transforms those around us." In these sentences, I can sound like I'm saying 'it doesn't matter what we believe, as long as we love one another'. That is NOT at all what I am saying. I guess it all comes down to what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13. Yes, the great 'love chapter of the Bible'. He says in verses 1-3, "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." My summary of what he is saying is that we can be very talented, have many gifts and abilities, know all the 'mysteries' of God and who he is and how he works and we can spend all of our spare time 'serving' those around us who are in need, but if our motivation is not the Love of Christ, then it's all empty and - really - of very minimal value. It's just noise. I may have my doctrine 'perfect' and have all my 'i's' dotted and my 't's' crossed, but if it does not lead me to dramatically love as Christ loved, we are just going through the motions. Our theology and doctrine - what we believe about who God is and what He says, are very important they are what drive our love of those around us - and our love of God. Our love HAS to be an outpouring of what God has done and is doing in our own hearts - transforming them from hearts of stone to hearts of flesh. My statement above that I am clarifying comes from my frustration (at myself too) that we in the church today have it all backwards. As soon as someone comes to know Christ as their Savior, we put them in 'ministry'. I believe it is most important that they be established in God's love for them and who he is before we send them out to serve. Not that they CAN'T. But it needs to be the outpouring of Christ in their life moving them rather than 'the church' getting them busy and involved. Jesus spent lots of time with the disciples before he ever sent them out. Paul also spent who knows how much time in the desert after his conversion being taught by God. I believe, whether we realize it or not (and I am just as guilty of this as anyone else) that we can use our theology or our ministry to keep us from really going out and loving the unlovable like Christ calls us to. It's not attractive and it can be 'dangerous' to go out where the really needy people are. We stay in our bubbles that feel safe and don't risk. But I believe Christ calls us to incarnate - make flesh - who he is in our world and He risked it all in order to save. He put himself in physical danger and necessity to reach those he LOVED. I have to ask myself, what is God asking me to risk today?? My physical comfort? My reputation? My money? My family? in order to show His radical and amazing love that seeks those who are the most lost. Anyway, what we believe about God IS very important, but if it is all we do and we don't let him live out through our lives in amazing ways, we DO need to ask ourselves and Him where our relationship with him really is. I'm not saying that we all have to move to India and minister to the Untouchables or move to the inner city and live there among the homeless. But what small risk is God asking us to do today - to show a broken world the love God has towards them. Whose life can we touch with Him today that He can use to heal our world just that little bit. It may be talking to that neighbor you feel uncomfortable around, who lives in a 'questionable' way. Only God can give you the nudge and the insight to SEE those He wants to love through you. God saw beyond the external to see the hearts that are broken and in need of Him. He can do that in your too. And ME too. Thanks again for listening!! Jill

Tears

I woke up this morning and, as usual, I checked my e-mail, etc, to see if there was anyone I needed to get back with. As I scrolled down Facebook, I came across the pictures of many of the children who were killed in Connecticut on Friday. My heart breaks for those involved. The tragedy of losing a loved one is compounded by that loved one being a child and it is multiplied by the horrific way in which these children (and others) were killed. I wept as I looked at those faces whose innocence was slain. One little girl had the name of Olivia, which is my own little girl's name. It cuts me deeply imagining how my life would be had she been killed in such a way - or ANY of my children. I also felt rage. This is a trickier emotion to focus. At whom is my rage directed?? Should it be directed a the young person who did these horrible acts?? I think many times we can make people 2 dimensional. We see people as evil or good. But I wonder why this young man of 20 years would commit such a horrible act. How broken and wounded was he to even think of doing this?? The anger can be focused on the parents of this boy. How could they produce such a monster?? I noticed that there wasn't a mention of the boys' father. The article says he killed his mother and took her guns. It doesn't mention his Dad. What kind of family did he grow up in? Where WAS his father? Where was his community?? His church?? Did he 'fall through the cracks'? I don't think or rage our blame should be pointed at any of these I've mentioned. Yes, we need to look at ourselves and see how many people we may pass by who need a kind word or someone to deeply love them and be involved with them. Many people will shout out about the need for more gun control. They believe that if they take the guns out of the hands, then there will be no more murder. I think those who have guns ought to assess their reasons for having them. We ALL need to understand and assess what drives us in whatever we do. But I don't think that taking guns off the streets will stop things like this. People who want to do these things will find a way to do them, no matter the laws. We see this in other countries who DO have strict gun control laws and they STILL find a way. I believe that the 'blame' is ultimately on the Evil One. Since the garden, he has been the one destroying lives. That is not to say that we are not responsible for our actions. But ultimately, he is the one who is a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. He deceives us and lies to us. Our society has chosen to believe his lie that he doesn't exist. And so he continues to destroy lives - whether through guns, abuse, harsh words and neglect - to name a few. During this holiday time, many people talk about HOPE. But most of the time, it's a hope that is based on nothing. When my kids were little, we used to watch the movie Beauty and the Beast Christmas. It's an OK story, but what drove me crazy and continues to (and my kids know because I always bring it up!!) is the song 'As long as there's christmas'. It talks about hope, but they don't say what their hope is in!! Whenever there is hope, there is something we are hoping for. There is something in which we put our hope. It's not just a generic 'well, I hope things will get better'. I can assure you, it's not going to. God has told us that things will go from bad to worse. We cannot hope in the inherent goodness of people, because we are NOT. We are broken. We are abused and we abuse. We are neglected and we neglect. We are controlled and we control. Our only hope is in Christ. That is the whole reason for this season. And it's not the hope that the Jews had at the time that Christ was born - that they would be saved from the oppression of the earthly government they were living under. They lived under someone much worse than either of the candidates this year. Their hope was that the Messiah would come and set up his earthly kingdom and they, as a kingdom, would - excuse me - 'kick butt'. But God's plan went so much further beyond anything they 'hoped' for. When Jesus was here, he read from the passage in Isaiah 61:1. It says "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners" This is what he came to do - but not just the earthly prisoners or poor or blind. He is talking about the spiritually blind, broken, bound. It is a freedom that doesn't just begin in the 'sweet by and by' but it is something He desire to do beginning this moment. My heart breaks for this young man who was a prisoner of who knows what. He was blind to God and who God has called him to be. Most of all, he was in bondage to the lie that he was not worth anything and he knew nothing of the love of God which passes all understand. You may wonder how I can say this since I don't know him. But I think that anyone who does such a thing as he has done MUST believe this lie. I was just trying to think of a line from a book that was coming to my mind. I just remembered it. Many of you may be offended that I have read this book but there are some very good truths that can be found. At the very end of the last book of Harry Potter, Harry is talking to Dumbledore, who was the headmaster at their school. Dumbledore tells him "Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all, pity those who live without love. By returning you may ensure that fewer souls are maimed and fewer families are torn apart." He is referring to the damage done by living in a world that is broken and without love. Jesus says that the world will know that we are his disciples because of our love. Not our doctrine. Not our theology. Not our amazing worship services. But our love. How much do we even SEE let alone love those HE brings into our lives. This is the hope - that His love transforms us and, through us, transforms those around us. How might this tragedy of Connecticut been prevented had someone SEEN this young man and loved him with the transforming love of Christ. It is a wake up call to all of us. To truly SEE.

Update

Hello All, Well, I haven't written much since my 'sermon' about my kids. I hope you all were gracious to me in your thoughts!! :-) Not much exciting has happened here - but a lot of the routine so I'll fill you in. I DID pass my driver's test the day before Thanksgiving!! I am still waiting to receive the actual provisional license - mine will take longer than the usual because I am trying to NOT get a learner license - which means I would need to drive around for a year with a big 'L' in the back window of my car AND pay higher insurance. No thank you. So they have to look at my paperwork and I have to prove by said paperwork that I am not a learner!! So I am still waiting. I have been trying to figure out where I want to go the first time I can drive!! I have thought about Ikea or the mall but I'll probably just settle for going to the grocery store by myself!! :-) We had Thanksgiving here - I cooked most of the stuff - which is fine with me cuz I like how I make all the stuff. So do my kids. :-) There are certain foods at the holidays that my kids tell me 'DON'T let anyone else make'!! Which makes me feel good. :-) Olivia spend Thanksgiving on campus but then went to another MK's home in Indiana. Then headed back to Trinity to catch up on some homework! Troyer went to a friend's house for the weekend who lives in the Chicago area. Apparently their plans are to spend at least a few days in Ohio with my family over Christmas. We put up the tree yesterday - put the lights on but no ornaments yet. Will probably do that tonight. We have to rearrange the living room to put the tree in and then we have to figure out what to take out and where to put it~! We will be going to Zaragoza this weekend. It is a long holiday weekend - no school on Thursday OR Friday so Jonathan is going with some friends (and a parent) for a few days' hike on the Camino de Santiago. For those of you who don't know what that is, here is a link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Way_of_St._James They will be hiking and staying at hostels. It will be cold and maybe snowing or raining. They will be in the mountains. David will be staying with some friends in a town close by here - since he isn't really close friends with anyone anymore in Zaragoza and it makes for a looooong, booooorrrrrriiiiiinnnnnngggggg weekend hanging out with Mom and Dad and all the people they are visiting with. In some ways, I feel like I am abandoning him for the weekend but I know he'll have a much more enjoyable weekend doing what he's going to be doing than with us. We don't have many other plans for the holidays. We usually try to have people over who don't have family nearby. So I'll be checking with the teachers, etc, here to see if there is anyone who is not leaving who would like to spend Christmas with us. Our teammate, Katie, is going to the States for Christmas. She spent Christmas with us last year with her friend Colleen. That was a fun time!! I need to figure out a gift to get for Troyer and then mail them ASAP so they get to Ohio in time. Olivia already told us what she would like but Troyer just keeps telling me '$5000' or 'a car'. All of which are not options. :-) Sooo, I do have deeper things running thru my mind these days but I still have lots of sorting to do. But then again, I don't think THAT will ever end. I guess it's not SUPPOSED to, is it??!! I hope to write more soon - hopefully with the notice that I am tootling around Spain in the driver's seat!! Hugs from here!! Jill

My Kids

Today I want to talk about something that is very sensitive for me and also very important to me. Obviously from the title of my post you can figure out that it is about my children. I love my children very much. I know their weakness and their strengths. I wish I knew more of what is going on in their hearts but they are becoming adults and they don't always want to share with me what is deepest in their thoughts. And that's OK. I don't share everything that's on my heart with everyone. There are very few that know my deepest fears, my biggest dreams and what keeps me awake at night. I guess I am even more sensitive on behalf of my kids because of the life they have lived. It has not been an easy walk, to say the least. To ask my kids to live in a culture that is not their own; to ask my bi-racial kids to live in a culture which is prejudiced (then again what culture DOESN'T have some kind of prejudice towards SOME people group??); to ask them to grow up far away from the support of extended family; to ask them to go back and forth between the cultures - sometimes spending a year or two in a new home in a new school with new friends and - really - a new culture; to ask them to be dragged here and there visiting people they don't know or don't remember but who tell them that they were in the room when they were born or changed their diaper!!; these are just a few things we have asked them to do. I am not saying that this life we have chosen is a bad thing. It isn't. But every life has it's challenges and its hard points. It's not that God is not working and redeeming and teaching them (and US as their parents) lots of things. I don't think any of my kids would, looking back, choose anything different. They know that there have been incredible blessings along the way. They have seen countries many have never imagined visiting. They have traveled across the USA and seen multiples States and seen many of the 'cultures' that exist there. They have seen how the norms of culture change depending on where you are and many of the rules are really very transient. But they have also seen that there IS absolute truth beyond culture. If you ask them, they would probably say it's an easier adjustment to go from Spain to California than from Spain or even Cali to Ohio!! God has promised that whatever we lose by choosing to walk with him, He replaces with something else. My kids have had many people who have been the extended family we have left behind. One things that is hard is that this extended family is always in flux and changing. This also causes them to be cautious in who they invest their time in - and who they trust. They realize that many people really AREN'T that interested in them. They have learned to discern, to a point, who really DOES care and who really just doesn't get them. I have spoken with many adults who are MK's (Missionary Kids) and they have shared that they don't have a close relationship with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents in the USA. It's hard when you drop into the middle of their lives for a couple weeks every couple years and then you are gone again. I am not blaming anyone in this. One of my favorite sayings these days is "It is what it is". Which means it is not necessarily good or bad. It just is. I have been asked by a few people how they can support their Missionaries, especially when they are home for a short or extended period of time. I have told these few people to love their kids. To invest in them. To listen and take the time to spend quality time with them. Don't just focus on the parents (even tho we need encouragement and regeneration, too) but really love - deeply love those kids. Most MK's don't have a youth group to attend. Their parents ARE their spiritual input. They don't have Sunday School or youth group leaders except their parents. Many times, the kids ARE the worship leaders for the church service their parents are trying to start. In their host country, most kids don't have solid, Christian and Godly adults who go out of their way to show these kids that they are important. Most people focus on the parents and - unfortunately - it's easy as parents to lose sight of how the kids need to be reached out to, no matter where you are or what you are doing. So when I (accidentally or not) overhear a conversation between two people who have 'given up' trying to reach out to my children, I am deeply wounded. I know that the two people I overheard have good hearts. They ARE concerned for my children. But I am deeply grieved at their perception of my kids. My kids have met so many people in their comings and goings and so very few have truly tried to spend time with them and get to know them - on a consistent basis - that they really - probably the best word might be - are skeptical. I think that my kids would 'spill the beans' on themselves if they knew that people were safe and would not judge them but would love them and consistently, day after day, month after month, reach out and love them. Not just a message every 6 months or so asking how they are, but truly writing and sharing their lives and selves with them. Going out of their way to do special things for them. And not just the 'family' care package but the individual things. I know this is hard to do - especially when we are so far away. But loving someone is going out of our way to touch their lives with meaning. No matter the cost or the distance. To be perfectly honest, I fail miserably at this. I hope I am not coming across as the pot calling the kettle black. The longer I am outside of my original culture, I realize that one of the biggest dynamic in this is how we view children. Many times, whether we realize it or not, we don't value children as Jesus does. Many times we feel like we 'can't relate' to the kids or their culture because it's different than when we grew up. Most kids just want what all of us want - to be loved and valued and listened to. Many people think that Missionary Kids should be these perfect little Christians. They think they should have it all together spiritually, emotionally and socially. But my kids are not at the 'end of their story yet'. They have their issues that God is helping them work through, just the like rest of us. I praise MK's - and TCK's (third culture kids). There are even books written about their lives and their issues and what they struggle that with the kids who have grown up in their own culture will never have to deal with. Please, don't throw in the towel with my kids, or for that matter, any kids who don't look like maybe you think they should. Maybe you have no idea what they are dealing with and how God is transforming them into His image. And this process takes a lifetime for them, just like it does for the rest of us. Well, thanks again for listening!! If anyone has any questions or concerns - about me or my kids or my life or my theology, please ask. Don't make assumptions. What hurts most is not being asked. Talk to you all later!! Jill

Driving Chapter 2 (or 3 or 5)

Well, here I am back again. It has been a little while since I have blogged. It has been an eventful week. Not 'things happening around me' wise. More the internal things. But since I promised this next one would be more light hearted, I will keep to that!! :-) Today, I took my driving test!! The actual driving part. I was thinking of writing yesterday but I was a bit nervous and 'ferhoodled' as the Amish say. I haven't slept well the last couple nights - worrying about the test and other things. I've just gotta stop that!! Soo, I got the message yesterday what time my test was going to be. You see, they can't plan ahead of time here. You sign up 2 weeks ahead of time, but find out the day before when you actually have to be there!! Sooo, my test was scheduled at 10:20 this morning. Well, I can't just DRIVE to the test center because I am illegal!! I have to take public transport to the driving school (about 1 1/2 hours from my door to there) then the driving instructor picks us up and we drive 30 minutes to the test center which is TOTALLY on the OPPOSITE side of town than I live. Madrid area has about 6 million inhabitants. Sam is in Germany and I didn't want to wait until he got back to schedule it - I just wanted to get it over with! So I found someone who could drive me to the train station. I caught the 7am train. I wanted to make sure I wasn't stressed with getting there late so I actually arrived an hour ahead of time!! So I went to get a coffee and try to relax before I had to go. There was just one other lady who took it that day too. She is Russian married to an American who works in Madrid. Welcome to my life. :-) Living in the 'expat' community. She was in my intensive driving classes in June so we knew each other slightly. A very nice lady about my age. We both failed!! When you take your test, the examiner sits in the back seat behind the passenger side. He watches like a hawk everything you do from how you turn the wheel to how you shift to how you signal to how much you look over your shoulder and the list goes on and on. The driving instructor sits in the front seat with you and the other person sits in the back behind the driver - sweating bullets for when it's their turn!! When I had to sign the paper before I pulled out, my hands were shaking so much, my signature is a bit wobbly!! I went first. The other lady got some practice driving over. Our poor driving instructor had come down with the flu that her little boy had last week. She had been vomiting during the night, had a headache but no fever!! I finally calmed down once I got going. I just kept telling myself 'you know how to drive.' 'You know how to do this.' And I do. It DID take me 3 times to do the parallel parking. Oh well, third time is a charm!! But I guess I had already failed by then because I didn't stop enough at the stop sign right before I turned right to parallel park. It was really cute though. My driving instructor, who was sitting beside me in the front on the passenger side kept giving me little hand signals like 'slow down' or 'back up'. It was cute. I didn't know she was going to be doing that. She had to do it right on her lap close up to her body so the guy wouldn't see!! She said he was a grumpy instructor and had a Napoleon Complex because he was short. :-) She was quite angry that he failed me on that minor thing - especially since I had done it right the first time around!! It made me feel better that she was irritated on my behalf. Her name is Lourdes and she was living in England and they just moved back to Spain in the summer. She has lived there 9 years I believe and is the only driving instructor in all of Madrid who teaches the theory in English. No one else has an instructor that can speak English!! Welcome to Spain!! So, after failing, we drove back to the driving school to pay for the test next week. We are both retaking in next Wed. or Thurs. We don't know which day because it's supposed to be Wed. but there is a general strike called for that day. If the strike is not put off or cancelled, we will have to take it on Thurs! It's the same with the week after. And that is Thanksgiving week so don't want to do that!! We have to pay almost $175 more to take it again because we failed. Yes, THAT's the part I REALLY don't like. But what can ya do??? The driving instructor said he made a comment about foreign driver's who have bad habits!! I don't think they are bad habits. We just drive differently. But this gentleman has probably never driven outside of Spain so I try to be patient. So, here we go again. But I think I WILL feel better about it the next time - not so terrified. :-) It was a bit ridiculous how nervous I was. Well, I may blog again in a couple days on what else is going on. Superficially and deep inside. Hugs from here!! Jill

Hmmmm. . .

Have you ever had one of those days, or weeks, or months, when you just feel prickly?? I don't mean your skin itches!! I mean you just feel grumpy and irritable? Well, this has been one of those weeks. I think it's an accumulation of things that are a bit 'under my skin' - like a child who you try to communicate with who is far away and who just doesn't respond. Or trying to address an issue with someone else and not feeling like you were even heard or your point of view considered? Yeah, these things can irritate, but why? I was lying awake in the middle of the night last week - woke up and couldn't get back to sleep - and I was just lying on the floor in the living room trying to stretch out my back (I have problems with my back so I might as well take advantage of being awake to work on it!!). I was thinking about the issue with my child - and trying to communicate about their school bill - and I thought 'why does this tweak me out inside so much that I am awake stewing about it? Because really, some parents this just doesn't bother. It's not that they don't care. They just don't stew and fret. Now, I know some is because some people are just worriers. Some aren't. I know that some of that is their personality. Some is a learned response. So, I'm lying awake trying to figure this out. Part is I feel disrespected. I guess part is because I don't feel seen - or rather I feel ignored (purposefully unseen). I think a big part is that there are a couple things - big and little - that I have been trying to accomplish and the 'pieces' just aren't cooperating. Whether it is losing my superglue so I can't glue all my pairs of reading glasses that need glued, or this with my child. I guess I feel out of control and I can't do anything to 'fix it'. I have another child that just doesn't stress about getting homework in and getting a 0. We have struggled with him for years about this. Now, I can continue to stress and be prickly and nag and let these things stand in the way of my relationships, or I can relax and look inside and deal with what's going on inside. Sigh. I would SO much just glue my glasses, have my child get his homework done in time and pass the class and have the financial issues resolved with the other one. But what if that doesn't happen?? So, back I go to my heart. What's really going on in there?? Can I let go and trust?? Not that I necessarily trust my children or others, but I trust the one who is ULTIMATELY in control of everything?? Oh, but that takes so much time. And effort. And many times, tears and gut wrenching release. But the end result is usually peace. And it's worth it. It just takes the time and the desire to 'go there'. So, I think I'm a little tired of all this 'deep introspection' blogging. Maybe next time I should write about something nonsensical and goofy!! Thanks again for listening and Journeying with me!! Jill

To Be Seen

Hello again all, About a week ago, I wrote about SEEing. Funny thing is, I mentioned Steven Curtis Chapman and someone told me that the book by his wife, Choosing to See, was up at the boys' school library!! So I began to read it and am almost done already! This has been an ok week. Sam is gone to Budapest - he left a week ago Saturday morning and is on the plane back home as we speak. He won't actually make it to the house until about 10 tonight. It's 6:45 right now. A theme that I was struggling with about 2 weeks ago is what led me to blog last week on SEEing. It is 'being seen'. I have learned over the past, oh, 6 years, that shame has to be with being seen. Many times, the shame or embarrassment we feel - whether rightly - because we have done something to deserve it - or even more, wrongly - what we feel that stems from the lies we have believed about our own value or worth. That underlying sense that something is not right - and usually the focus is that something is not essentially right with us. So many times, when I am feeling less than or devalued or shameful, I need to stop and follow the feeling back to what I am believing at that point. What lie have I believed about myself? So, bring this idea into my life right now - or at least a week ago. I am starting this small group called The Journey. There are 5 of us who are meeting via Skype to go through a workbook. It is a workbook. We will be walking through a lot of deep stuff. It will require vulnerability and honesty and looking back through our lives to see where we have been wounded - and walk through those times together and find the healing that God offers. There is a lady in my town here that is doing it with me. I have enjoyed the times that I have spent with her before the meetings. But I could tell that SOMETHING was up inside of me because I was self conscious and nervous when I was around her. Hmm. So one morning while everyone was still in bed, I sat down and started journaling about this and other issues. When I journal, I'm really just writing a letter to God, sharing with him what's going on and how I feel. What I think about things, etc. Well, I realized that I see myself as bumbling. Bumbling in that I trip over things and walk heavily and see myself as 'less than'. Also, bumbling in relationships. I see others as competent and capable and 'together' and I see myself as awkward. I don't know what to say. I sound stupid. I don't have anything valuable to add to the conversation, etc. ad infinitum. It's NOTHING the other person has said or done to make me feel this way. I am the issue!! I realize that, so many times when I have difficulties with someone - or they have difficulties with me, it's not that one or the other has really done anything wrong to the other person. So much is our PERCEPTION!! And this is fueled by how we feel and what we think about ourselves. Most of what fuels these feelings and thoughts about myself are the lies that I believed when I was little. So much comes from our 'family of origin'. Most of the time, our families never meant to hurt us. They wanted to protect us and help us. But we were taught the sinful 'coping strategies' that they were taught by their parents and their parents were taught by THEIR parents. It's that 'sins of the parents being passed on to the third and forth generation'. I am always encouraged that I can at least recognize the problem!! That's one of the things that this group does that I am meeting with. We talk about our past and explore it for themes and lies and ways that we have not allowed God into the problem and allowed his healing and restoration. The bottom line is that I need to believe what God says about me. Not all the lies and distortions that I have picked up along the way. I have been taught that I am a 'sinner saved by grace'. But the focus is on the 'sinner' and how I have to clean myself up to be acceptable. But that's not the issue!! I have been saved. The 'sinner' label doesn't apply anymore!! I am a saint. No, I'm not perfect. I still sin. But God says he is PLEASED with me. He 'delights over me with singing'. He 'quiets me with his love'. I so see the image of a father with his children - holding them, accepting them. Loving them. Not looking disapproving or angry or disappointed. I am his child and, as his child, I hold a special place in his heart and his love. Yes, he wants to transform me and make me like him. But not so that I will be acceptable!! So that he can heal me of all this junk that makes me less than who He has created me to be. So, we need to lift up our heads, not in pride and self-adulation - but knowing who we are in Him. We can be SEEN by those who don't understand, by those who judge, by those who hate, by those who condemn us by our actions and not by our hearts. We can be seen and not be overcome because we have 'entrusted ourselves to the One who judges justly'. I can allow you to SEE me - my warts, my failings, my bumblings, my anger, my hurt, my striving - because I know that HE has already seen me to the depths of who I am - further into my heart than even I have ever seen - and he loves and accepts and smiles. I pray this for you too, my dear friend. Hugs from here!! Jill

See

I was first introduced to this theme of 'see' a few years ago. I had gotten the CD from Sam that Steven Curtis Chapman made after his daughter was killed in an accident at home. . In the pamphlet that goes with the CD, before the lyrics to the song "SEE" is this paragraph: . "This little three letter word took on enormous meaning to my family and me on May 22nd of 2008. The day after Maria went to Heaven, Mary Beth and I went to our house with friends to get some clothes for the next few days. We had decided to stay with our friends, The Andersons, until we felt we could return to our house for good. We walked from room to room feeling like we were lost in some big terrible dream and tried to imagine ever living in the house again that had suddenly become so terribly quiet and empty. As I walked through the dining room, I noticed a piece of paper on Maria's little art table where she and her sister would spend hours coloring and drawing and cutting and gluing. (Maria especially loved the gluing part!) On the piece of paper was a flower that had been drawn and colored with markers. It was one of Maria's signature flowers that she loved to draw, but this one appeared to be unfinished as only one of the 6 petals was colored in with blue marker. . .the others were just outlined. Then I noticed something was written with marker on the back side of the paper. Now let me back up for just a minute and explain one other part of this story. Shortly after Maria had been carried away to Jesus, all of us, and particularly Caleb and I began to talk about how desperate we were just to 'SEE' something. . . a dream or a vision .. anything that would help confirm in some tangible way what we were holding on to by faith, that Maria was truly 'okay' and even more than 'okay' that she really was safe in the arms of Jesus. It was a plea that I heard us all say several times in those first hours. . 'God, please just let us 'SEE' something!' So back to the flower artwork on the table. I turned the page over and was completely stunned to find a word written on the back in Maria's handwriting. To any of our knowledge she knew only 6 words that she could write. . ."I love you", "Mom", "Dad", and her name, "Maria". But there on the back of the paper she had written in all capital letter the word, 'SEE'. Even as one who is usually careful not to attach more meaning to something than it deserves, I was and still am completely convinced that this was a precious 'gift' from the broken heart of our Father in Heaven delivered through our daughter's own hand the very morning before she left us for Heaven. . . I could picture the face of our little girt smiling at us and saying 'SEE' mom and dad. SEE everybody, it's just like you said, only so much better . . .and I really am 'okay'. And it was our Father's way of saying 'SEE' with eternal eyes. SEE that I have your little girl safe and sound with me and SEE by faith My promise of the day that's coming very soon when I will make everything new and wipe every last one of those tears from your eyes'. It wasn't until several days later that we also began to recognize a significance in the 'unfinished' flower that she had drawn on that same paper. Of the petals, only one was colored in with her favorite color, blue. Of our six children, only one has been completely 'colored' and made whole. The rest of us are still waiting for that coming day when finally we will clearly and completely SEE. 1 Cor. 13:12. . Many people probably believe that this was a coincidence and that the Chapman family is reading in to things and grasping at straws. I firmly believe that our Father loves us so much that He purposefully does things like this for us - if we have eyes to 'SEE'. So many times in Scripture, God talks about those who would only have 'eyes to see and ears to hear' that they may - not only be saved, but also might see Him as they walk through this world. So much is dependent on our perspective and - most of the time - we are responsible for our perspective. To a large degree, we choose what we meditate on. We choose whether we will - at least TRY - to see things from God's point of view, our our own. . If we ask and if we try, He helps us to 'SEE' as He sees. Yeah, it takes time. It takes WANTING to see it His way. If I keep trying to 'fit' what I want into what He says, then I am not really wanting to SEE it His way. I guess it takes a lot of humility. Humility is seeing things - myself especially - in a right manner, not thinking too highly of myself but also not thinking too LOWLY. I know that I tend to lean on THIS end. I think it's the 'evangelical' form of pride. I don't mean the 'try harder' thing either. Sometimes I think we try too hard. We get so caught up in the 'trying' that we lose sight even easier of our Father. I believe we need to 'make space' in our lives to SEE and HEAR. If I keep movement, noise and busyness in my life, all day, it is hard to hear what is being 'whispered' in my ear. I won't SEE the things in my day that He puts there because I will be distracted. Anyway, this post has gotten long. In the next post, I will be talking about another facet of 'SEE'. Thanks again for listening!! Jill, your fellow traveler in this journey to our Father's heart!!

Processing

Hello Everyone!! I say Everyone cuz I really have no idea how many and who of you actually read this. :-) Until I actually figured out how to announce it on FaceBook, I was just throwing it out there into cyberspace!! Well, I wanted to write earlier about how the driving school classes went but I really didn't want to once they were done so - I didn't. I think the reason I didn't want to is - actually there are a couple - I was quite discouraged after the first day and didn't really know quite how to feel. I realized that 'Bad Attitude' was swirling around in my head and heart along with lots of knee jerk thoughts and feelings and I needed some time to process it all. The second day went better. The night between the two days of driving, I woke up in the middle of the night and just lay there discouraged; feeling 'less than'. Picking apart the day, my feelings, my attitudes. And of course none of them lived up to what I thought they 'should' be. With my registration, I get 5 hour-long driving classes and, since I live outside of Madrid and it takes me a good hour and 15 minutes to get from my house to the driving school - one way - I didn't want to go in 5 different times!! So we did 2 lessons the first day and 3 the second day. I know that I told you all in past posts that driving school here is taught with the goal of passing the test. It is not with the goal of teaching you to drive well. So. . . my classes were teaching me what the examiner will look for that I need to do differently than what I am used to. After I pass the test, I can drive how I want. I think that's part of why I've had a bad attitude towards driving in Spain. You learn the 'rules' to pass the test and then drive how you want. And most (OK, I need to be fair - a lot of, not most) Spanish drivers don't drive safely. They cut you off. They drive faster than they should. Spanish driving rules leave little to common sense. So there is a rule for just about everything - and exceptions to those rules. Well, this morning I sat down and just started journaling - writing down my thoughts and feelings to God. I realize that this driving school is playing into my struggle with feeling 'less than'. I already suspect or 'know' that I don't measure up. So. . . when the driving school lady is continually watching everything I do and correcting me, it feeds in to my insecurity of not measuring up. Of not 'getting it right'. In the eternal scheme of things, it doesn't matter if I downshift or not when I slow down. It doesn't matter if I turn the steering wheel underhanded with my right hand when I turn left. But it DOES matter if I want to pass this test. So, instead of staying all tied up in knots, I have to look into my heart and understand the dynamics going on there. And I found out a couple this morning. (I have figured out that when I start crying, there is something there that I need to look in to). Well, as I journaled about lots of different things, one thing that came forward is how I avoid things. I avoid uncomfortable situations. I avoid looking too deeply into my heart cuz I don't really want to see what is there. Probably because I'm afraid it will confirm my fears that I truly AM less than what I think I am or want to be. Looking at these things can take a lot of time and sometimes, I just don't want to 'go there'. But I know that God cannot shine His light of truth on the lies I have believed if I am unwilling to take them out into the light and look at them and let Him heal them. I have more to say on this issue to feeling 'less than' but I think I'll end for right now here. I think this blog might get a bit too long if I try to share ALL of it in one post. Thank you again for listening to my ramblings. I hope they aren't too random!! :-) Jill

This is a picture Sam took of me last May at a retreat where I shared a few words.

Driver's Classes

Well, the day has finally come when I can begin my actual driving classes. I have studied and taken the THEORY part of the Spanish Driver's Exam. Now I have to take 5 driving classes in which I will learn all the bad habits I have that may keep me from passing the driving test here. Things like not crossing over the hands when turning. Not turning the steering wheel 'under handed'. I can only have my hand on the OUTSIDE of the steering wheel - not the inside. Ugh. I can't just put it in neutral and brake. I have to DOWNSHIFT. I am very thankful that I know how to driver a manual car. Automatics here have the nickname 'American' cars. Typically, the only people who have automatic cars are Americans or people with some kind of handicap who CAN'T use the gear shift!! So. . . tomorrow I will - hopefully - get 2-3 hours out of the way and then the rest on Friday. I will then wait a week to take the actual driving test since Sam is out of town and he drives me to the train station to go into Madrid. I COULD have taken it here locally but they only teach in Spanish. I would be totally on my own if I want to take it in English. So. . . here I go. I will keep you posted as to how it goes. I have 2 chances to pass or I'll have to pay the fee again. On an average, it costs about $1000 to get your license here. Sam's was more 10 years ago!! I am SO nervous about this part!!! Jill

The Return

Well, here I am again. The summer is over (pretty much) and I did NOT blog NEAR as much as I had hoped too. I guess with 4 kids in the house and heat, I just didn't take the time. With that much noise, etc., in the house, who can concentrate to blog??!! I am now back from 4 weeks in the States - getting Troyer settled in college. Buying what he needs for college - computer, phone, clothes, etc. We'll be financially recovering from THIS month ALL year. :-) Now, I get to assess what I would like to do this fall. We have people visiting us from tomorrow thru the 27th. Then our anniversary and then Sam has meetings next month in Hungary. Then more meetings for him in Nov. in Berlin. I have lots of opportunities and lots of things I'd like to catch up on. I also would like to teach some English classes to help pay for the boys' schooling here at the school in Camarma. I have been unpacking and cleaning since I've been back. Moving rooms and preparing for visitors. It is good to be back. It's always a weird transition - once I am somewhere else, the place I WAS reseeds and it's like I almost was never there. So Ohio seems a lifetime ago already and it was just less than a week ago. Well, I will close for now and hopefully write more SOON. Hugs to all you out there. Jill

Summer has arrived!! (and so has Driving School)

Well, Summer has truly arrived - the heat - the sweat - the restless nights. But I can't complain. The summer up to now has been unseasonably cool. Our days consist of 'screening'. Sigh. I guess that's what you get when you have 'screen-agers'. Not my term. Can't take the credit. :-) This week begins the English camps that Jonathan will be helping with. I am glad he is interested in helping. It doesn't hurt that he has community service hours to catch up on. And no, he WASN'T arrested. :-) I was asked that yesterday. They are just required to do 10 hours a semester here. There was a little confusion as to what was 'community' service and what was 'school' service. So, he will finish those and do some for this next fall to 'get them out of the way'. I went to an intensive driver's school session this weekend. 18 1/2 hours of learning about how to get my license here in Spain. About 3 pm on Sunday, I realized the difference between how they teach here and how they teach - at least in the USA. Driving school in the USA has the purpose of teaching you how to drive. How to be safe. Here in Spain, the focus is 'how do you pass the test'. There is a subtle difference (actually once you see it, it's not quite so subtle). We Americans and Canadians were asking questions about how to navigate the roundabouts and the safest way to drive through them. Her answers were what we needed to make sure we did when we took the test. What the examiner will count off on and what he will watch for. When we would ask again - yes, but how should we drive in normal life - she would answer 'this is what you need to make sure you do or don't do when you take the driver's test.' The educational system here in Spain is focused on 'how do you pass the test?' Not on how do I learn or how do I use this in my life afterwards. It is focused on memorizing for the test and then forgetting. And that's how they drive here. They learned the 'rules' to pass the test. Now they drive how is convenient for them. That's why so many people have accidents here!! Anyway, the test is made up to trick you. To make sure you know the rules. So many of the questions are worded so that, if you have memorized the definition, you will know which is the right answer. It's a cultural experience for sure!! And so the plan is to pass the theory exam in July sometime (it is VERY common even for Spaniards to fail the first time) and then practice while I am in the USA - parking etc., to make sure I am in practice. Then in Sept. when I return, take the driving classes and then pass the practical (actual driving) part. Ugh. Well, I will stop boring you with the driving aspect of life in Spain. Many of you may wonder why in the world I haven't gotten before now - since we've lived in Spain practically since Sept. 1995. Well, when we arrived, we could have turned in my American license and gotten a Spanish one. But we didn't know and it was recommended that we just use the International License you get from AAA. Then the law changed!! Then we found out that the law changed !! This all took a couple years!! Then we kept driving because no one could tell us FOR SURE if and when we were illegal. So, practically, I have only not been driving since 2004. It has been very expensive to get the license here - Cost over $1000 for Sam to get his 11 years ago!! We didn't have that kind of money so I waited. But living here in our small town, I am stuck if I want to go anywhere unless I take the only bus or ask Sam to drive me. I guess I will choose to see it as a 'right of passage' for living in Spain. So, I will close now and see if I can pass any more of the practice tests!! I have passed 3 out of about 27 that I have taken!! I will try to attach some picture to this to see if I can figure out how to do it. Probably our latest family picture when Troyer graduated. Thanks for listening!! Jill

The Choice

Hello again all!! I have been looking forward to the summer and having more time to think and to process (which I have commented on frequently!) and to CLEAN and ORGANIZE!! But there is a 'down side' to this time. Sometimes it's just easier to be busy and not have the time to think and process and look into my heart. I don't always like what I see there. There's a lot of fear and worry. A lot of this comes from not feeling in control. But when have I EVER really been in control? As I tell my kids, and it's to remind myself, the only thing that I can control in my life is how I respond to life. And this totally has so much to do with my relationship with my Father. But yet, I run. I hide. I avoid. I am 'busy'. I don't like to see the fear and - yes - the anger in my own heart. It HURTS. :-) Yet I know that, as I stuff and hide and avoid, this 'stuff' continues to control me. I try to 'control' it - stuffing and hiding and denying. Yet the paradox is: It is what is really controlling ME!! As Socrates is said to have said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." But there's a lot of YUCK down inside there. Pain from way back farther than we can remember - yet our hearts remember. I need to allow the light of God's truth to shine on these areas and allow Him to heal them. But that involves the process of taking them out - one by one- and looking at them and grieving them and giving them to God to heal and to purify. And that is a lot of work that most of us don't really want to walk through. It's easier to study theology and make sure we've got our 'i's' dotted and our 't's' crossed doctrinally and have God all outlined and summarized and 'understood' than it is to come to Him in our weaknesses and failure and hurt and anger/rage and give all this to Him to do what He will with it. How fearful yet amazing beyond our comprehension to have the God of the Universe whisper His love to our hearts when we are broken before Him. How 'out of control' it is to sit before our FATHER and allow Him to accept us when we are not acceptable. To love us when we are most unlovable. To whisper His delight and love when we see our own unworthiness and ugliness. THIS is where His transformation takes place. Yet I run. I avoid. I deny. Hmmm. Just some thoughts that are swirling around in my head. I am SO 'in the process'. But God continues to whisper His love and acceptance to me. He continues to send me 'messages' - whether in His word or in the words of a friend or in the words of a movie or a song. Zephaniah 3:17 says: "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." The question I have to answer every moment of every day of my life is: Will I choose to believe this or not? God has said it. Will I choose to believe it or will I listen to all the lies that bounce around in my head about how I'm not good enough. How I have failed. How I am unacceptable. The choice is mine.

Summer is Here!!

Well, school is done for me. Since I am not teaching next year, I don't have to go tomorrow! I am sad that I am done but then again, I am ecstatic!! My time is my own - well, maybe. At least my time is my own and my family's!! I am going to be cleaning and spending time with my family. We are ALL together and who knows when we will all be together again in one place?? Hopefully next summer but we don't know. So I will enjoy it while I can. I will also be able to blog more. :-) Well, I've had my nap and checked up on e-mail so I will go do some laundry now!! Hugs! Jill

Intro to the new blog

Hello All, I decided to start a different blog since I don't know how to change the name on the other one to something less 'family' and more 'Jill'. Never did claim to be a 'techy'!! :-) I am finishing my first year teaching at the school here in Spain. And it HAS been a journey!! I am not planning to teach next year. It is not because this year has been a negative experience. I have enjoyed teaching 'my kids' which have included some of my own kids!! But the time it has taken away from my family, my marriage and, especially, my time time with God, has been a challenge. I have learned a lot this year and I have enjoyed the time and also getting to know the other people at the school. I plan to be very involved in many ways yet. Just not in the 30 hr./week!! I really DO hope to write more frequently than I did on the other blog. About my life, my thoughts, my fears, my growth - in other words, my journey. Especially this journey with my Father. He is who is most important. I will try to figure out who to 'invite' to my blog. I want to share deep and yet silly things too. And I guess I just want to be careful who I 'trust' with this me. :-) I want to be real and transparent. But also realizing that there are many who might not feel comfortable with my transparency. But I am learning and still trying to learn more and more deeply, to trust God with who I am and my reputation and step out in trust - being transparent and real - and leave my heart with 'him who judges justly'. Soooo, here we go. What is going on my life right now - I have about 3 weeks until school is out. I am really looking forward to being done. But one side of me isn't. I will then have another high school graduate!!! Yikes. I am excited for him yet nervous. I am glad he will be at Trinity with Olivia, not that I think he needs someone to look out for him. I am just glad they can be together and they can be a help to one another!! They can mutually look out for one another!! Olivia arrives in a few days!! I am so excited to see her again!! It has been 9 months since I last got to hug her!! She will be here until August 2nd!! I am looking forward to deep talks, playing with her hair/scratching her scalp, being silly and having fun. And pampering her some. Then after she leaves, Troyer and I will head back to the USA and get him settled in college!! Then back here to help my guys get adjusted to another year here at ECA. I hope to get things done this summer - like maybe get the attic cleaned up and organized finally??? I am sure Sam has given up hope years ago that THAT might someday be done. I hope to get my new desktop from IKEA so I can have my 'own' spot. I LOVE my drawers that I got for the ends of the desks. Oh, and the BIG project for the summer - or at least the beginning of the summer - is to get my driver's license!! That will be so freeing but it is like pulling teeth to think about studying for it!! But it IS about time I got it!! Well, I will close for now and try to write once a week. I will tell you about the classes I teach before I am done!! And some special people. Thanks for listening and caring!! Jill in Spain