The Choice

Hello again all!! I have been looking forward to the summer and having more time to think and to process (which I have commented on frequently!) and to CLEAN and ORGANIZE!! But there is a 'down side' to this time. Sometimes it's just easier to be busy and not have the time to think and process and look into my heart. I don't always like what I see there. There's a lot of fear and worry. A lot of this comes from not feeling in control. But when have I EVER really been in control? As I tell my kids, and it's to remind myself, the only thing that I can control in my life is how I respond to life. And this totally has so much to do with my relationship with my Father. But yet, I run. I hide. I avoid. I am 'busy'. I don't like to see the fear and - yes - the anger in my own heart. It HURTS. :-) Yet I know that, as I stuff and hide and avoid, this 'stuff' continues to control me. I try to 'control' it - stuffing and hiding and denying. Yet the paradox is: It is what is really controlling ME!! As Socrates is said to have said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." But there's a lot of YUCK down inside there. Pain from way back farther than we can remember - yet our hearts remember. I need to allow the light of God's truth to shine on these areas and allow Him to heal them. But that involves the process of taking them out - one by one- and looking at them and grieving them and giving them to God to heal and to purify. And that is a lot of work that most of us don't really want to walk through. It's easier to study theology and make sure we've got our 'i's' dotted and our 't's' crossed doctrinally and have God all outlined and summarized and 'understood' than it is to come to Him in our weaknesses and failure and hurt and anger/rage and give all this to Him to do what He will with it. How fearful yet amazing beyond our comprehension to have the God of the Universe whisper His love to our hearts when we are broken before Him. How 'out of control' it is to sit before our FATHER and allow Him to accept us when we are not acceptable. To love us when we are most unlovable. To whisper His delight and love when we see our own unworthiness and ugliness. THIS is where His transformation takes place. Yet I run. I avoid. I deny. Hmmm. Just some thoughts that are swirling around in my head. I am SO 'in the process'. But God continues to whisper His love and acceptance to me. He continues to send me 'messages' - whether in His word or in the words of a friend or in the words of a movie or a song. Zephaniah 3:17 says: "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." The question I have to answer every moment of every day of my life is: Will I choose to believe this or not? God has said it. Will I choose to believe it or will I listen to all the lies that bounce around in my head about how I'm not good enough. How I have failed. How I am unacceptable. The choice is mine.