Hmmmm. . .

Have you ever had one of those days, or weeks, or months, when you just feel prickly?? I don't mean your skin itches!! I mean you just feel grumpy and irritable? Well, this has been one of those weeks. I think it's an accumulation of things that are a bit 'under my skin' - like a child who you try to communicate with who is far away and who just doesn't respond. Or trying to address an issue with someone else and not feeling like you were even heard or your point of view considered? Yeah, these things can irritate, but why? I was lying awake in the middle of the night last week - woke up and couldn't get back to sleep - and I was just lying on the floor in the living room trying to stretch out my back (I have problems with my back so I might as well take advantage of being awake to work on it!!). I was thinking about the issue with my child - and trying to communicate about their school bill - and I thought 'why does this tweak me out inside so much that I am awake stewing about it? Because really, some parents this just doesn't bother. It's not that they don't care. They just don't stew and fret. Now, I know some is because some people are just worriers. Some aren't. I know that some of that is their personality. Some is a learned response. So, I'm lying awake trying to figure this out. Part is I feel disrespected. I guess part is because I don't feel seen - or rather I feel ignored (purposefully unseen). I think a big part is that there are a couple things - big and little - that I have been trying to accomplish and the 'pieces' just aren't cooperating. Whether it is losing my superglue so I can't glue all my pairs of reading glasses that need glued, or this with my child. I guess I feel out of control and I can't do anything to 'fix it'. I have another child that just doesn't stress about getting homework in and getting a 0. We have struggled with him for years about this. Now, I can continue to stress and be prickly and nag and let these things stand in the way of my relationships, or I can relax and look inside and deal with what's going on inside. Sigh. I would SO much just glue my glasses, have my child get his homework done in time and pass the class and have the financial issues resolved with the other one. But what if that doesn't happen?? So, back I go to my heart. What's really going on in there?? Can I let go and trust?? Not that I necessarily trust my children or others, but I trust the one who is ULTIMATELY in control of everything?? Oh, but that takes so much time. And effort. And many times, tears and gut wrenching release. But the end result is usually peace. And it's worth it. It just takes the time and the desire to 'go there'. So, I think I'm a little tired of all this 'deep introspection' blogging. Maybe next time I should write about something nonsensical and goofy!! Thanks again for listening and Journeying with me!! Jill