Processing

Hello Everyone!! I say Everyone cuz I really have no idea how many and who of you actually read this. :-) Until I actually figured out how to announce it on FaceBook, I was just throwing it out there into cyberspace!! Well, I wanted to write earlier about how the driving school classes went but I really didn't want to once they were done so - I didn't. I think the reason I didn't want to is - actually there are a couple - I was quite discouraged after the first day and didn't really know quite how to feel. I realized that 'Bad Attitude' was swirling around in my head and heart along with lots of knee jerk thoughts and feelings and I needed some time to process it all. The second day went better. The night between the two days of driving, I woke up in the middle of the night and just lay there discouraged; feeling 'less than'. Picking apart the day, my feelings, my attitudes. And of course none of them lived up to what I thought they 'should' be. With my registration, I get 5 hour-long driving classes and, since I live outside of Madrid and it takes me a good hour and 15 minutes to get from my house to the driving school - one way - I didn't want to go in 5 different times!! So we did 2 lessons the first day and 3 the second day. I know that I told you all in past posts that driving school here is taught with the goal of passing the test. It is not with the goal of teaching you to drive well. So. . . my classes were teaching me what the examiner will look for that I need to do differently than what I am used to. After I pass the test, I can drive how I want. I think that's part of why I've had a bad attitude towards driving in Spain. You learn the 'rules' to pass the test and then drive how you want. And most (OK, I need to be fair - a lot of, not most) Spanish drivers don't drive safely. They cut you off. They drive faster than they should. Spanish driving rules leave little to common sense. So there is a rule for just about everything - and exceptions to those rules. Well, this morning I sat down and just started journaling - writing down my thoughts and feelings to God. I realize that this driving school is playing into my struggle with feeling 'less than'. I already suspect or 'know' that I don't measure up. So. . . when the driving school lady is continually watching everything I do and correcting me, it feeds in to my insecurity of not measuring up. Of not 'getting it right'. In the eternal scheme of things, it doesn't matter if I downshift or not when I slow down. It doesn't matter if I turn the steering wheel underhanded with my right hand when I turn left. But it DOES matter if I want to pass this test. So, instead of staying all tied up in knots, I have to look into my heart and understand the dynamics going on there. And I found out a couple this morning. (I have figured out that when I start crying, there is something there that I need to look in to). Well, as I journaled about lots of different things, one thing that came forward is how I avoid things. I avoid uncomfortable situations. I avoid looking too deeply into my heart cuz I don't really want to see what is there. Probably because I'm afraid it will confirm my fears that I truly AM less than what I think I am or want to be. Looking at these things can take a lot of time and sometimes, I just don't want to 'go there'. But I know that God cannot shine His light of truth on the lies I have believed if I am unwilling to take them out into the light and look at them and let Him heal them. I have more to say on this issue to feeling 'less than' but I think I'll end for right now here. I think this blog might get a bit too long if I try to share ALL of it in one post. Thank you again for listening to my ramblings. I hope they aren't too random!! :-) Jill

This is a picture Sam took of me last May at a retreat where I shared a few words.